It's something I've been thinking about recently, expectations, in a marriage particularly. We marrieds have all been there, I reckon. You get home from work late, you thought the children would have been fed and bathed by now, but they aren't and you have to do it; or the house is a mess despite your spouse being at home all day; or your spouse just wants to watch TV to unwind but you want to chat.
We all have expectations of ourselves, of each other. We expect faithfulness, love, affection, support, respect, forgiveness, as well as the infinite minor details of day to day living: childcare, housework, employment, date night, vacations, together time, alone time, time out. I wonder if you've ever listed them out, just to see, you know, how long your list of expectations for your spouse actually is.
At this point, you may be thinking, yeah I have expectations, and they are no bad thing, they tell me what is reasonable and what is not. Therefore, I would like to make a distinction that whilst perhaps not Oxford dictionary accurate will all the same I hope be helpful in separating out close ideas. Expectations verses standards.
Standards - things which we think are right, true and worthy to be held up to.
Expectations - things we think people ought to do, should do, essentially even must do
I think everyone should have high standards. We shouldn't compromise on what is right, true and worthy to be held on to. So much can be easily corrupted and twisted.
Big expectations though, hmm, that's more tricky. People are sinful. Yes, they are! They do things that are basically wrong, and often intentionally. I sense you trying to argue against it, but just consider your own life honestly with yourself and admit it, you've done things, whatever your moral compass may be, that either you personally or the world in general have agreed are wrong, mean, hateful, inconsiderate, selfish. Given this fact, it will necessarily be the case therefore that at some point your expectations of another person are not going to be met. Big expectations can lead to big disappointment. Further, any expectation has this horrible preponderance to lead the expecting to be less than accepting of any forthcoming failure.
What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. James 4:1-3
Expectations can end up an awful lot like demands, and when the demands are not met you get angry, and not just angry but maybe immovable on the point, accusatory. Your anger becomes rage and maybe before you know it, you're verbally pulling your spouse to bits either in your head or worse out loud.
Tearing him down rather than building him up.
"Why haven't you folded the washing? You never do it."
Accusing her as opposed to encouraging her and hoping for a better future.
"I haven't seen you pray or open your bible in months. Are you even a Christian?"
Gathering the rubble of hate over the rock of love.
"I can't believe you lied. I'll never trust you again."
Then comes the aftermath of the should have, supposed to and is meant to. He should have washed the dishes. She should have bathed the kids. He's supposed to lead family devotions. She's supposed to submit to my leadership. He's meant to tell the truth. She's meant to be faithful. And maybe all your should have's are true, but your expecting eye has had the magnifying glass hovering over the wrong area for too long. It's important to recognise that it's not your job to dissect and pick through the issues of the spouse's heart, their relationship with God, and daily walk in Christian life like a monkey searches for bugs in it's baby hair. Your marriage is a ministry of encouragement. Encouragement that has clearly examined it's own heart first, and in love seeks to support another in overcoming their own heart issues.
“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Brother, let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when you yourself fail to see the plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye. Luke 6: 41-42
Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. Galatians 6: 1
Keep your high standards, keep them, really, do. They are your anchor in a stormy wind. Be sure about right and wrong, have a clear understanding of what it means to love and hate. Know which one you wish to pursue.
But keep your standards for your understanding of the truth, not transformed into the rhetorical expectations of your married life.
Marriage, I feel, is more like a journey than anything else. Except that the destination keeps changing but your travel partner never does. It's two, very far from perfect, people coming together and saying "I'm going to stick with you in spite of your failings, in rejoice of your successes and loving you through both." So manage your expectations. Manage them, so that when they aren't met you can build up, encourage, hope and continue to love. Forgive your spouse, as you have been forgiven by your Lord Jesus through his blood shed for you on the cross. Hope in your faithful God, who always keeps His promises, to stand you firm until the day of His coming. Encourage with words of love, speaking the truth, holding accountable and lifting up. Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your mind and with all your body, and love your spouse with a love that shows you know what love really is.
This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers and sisters. 1 John 3:16
Friday, 7 March 2014
Wednesday, 15 January 2014
On imagination stories
I've shot myself in the foot recently. It was about a few weeks ago when I took up the shot gun and applied the trigger, strangely enough not feeling the full depth of my injuries until the last week or so. In an attempt to prevent a long drawn out procedure with books and repeating stories, I created something called "The imagination story". I giggled internally at my own naming of this, as I knew fine well, that I had no imagination and so any story supposedly from my imagination would be ever so slightly lacking in creativity. And so it began. Stories from my so called "imagination", no pictures, sometimes without an ending for many days, multiple twists and turns and random dramatic events.
But now I can't get out of it, every darn evening, Ezra starts talking about an imagination story and finding out what happens next, she even remembers what happened last time which is good, because I don't. After a week or so, Israel caught on to this and picked out his favourite character from one story and now persistently asks to hear about "Israel the rescue truck". I've basically run out of ideas for the stories, and am asked to repeat stories that I can't remember, and there are an awful lot really gutted looks when I say no. What shall I do?
So for your amusement, of my poor story creation skills, here is a sample of a recent story:
Once upon a time there was a large castle in a beautiful land full of lots of trees, lakes and fields. In the castle lived Queen Rachel, King Paul, Princess Ezra and Israel the rescue truck.
One day Princess Ezra was playing basketball with Israel the rescue in the castle garden. While they were playing the horrible Dragon Thabiti swooped down and grabbed King Paul with his claws.
"Oh no! Oh no!" Cried Queen Rachel. "Dragon Thabiti has taken King Paul away!"
"Yum, yum, yum." Said Dragon Thabiti, "I'm going to enjoy eating this yummy King for my dinner."
"Oh no" said Queen Rachel, "I'll never see him again."
"Don't worry!" Said Israel the rescue truck, "I can rescue him! Princess Ezra jump in my cabin and we will go on an adventure to rescue King Paul from that nasty dragon."
So Princess Ezra jumped into Israel's cabin and pressed down very hard on the go pedal.
"Vrumm! Vrumm," said Israel the rescue truck, and off they went very fast.
They went over the fields of flowers, through the dark forest, around the lake of disobedient children and finally they were at the bottom of Dragon mountain.
It was very scary. There was lots of fog, sharp rocks and it was very steep to climb.
"How will we get to the top of this mountain, Israel?" Said Princess Ezra
"Hmmm, why don't you turn on my lights and press the button for my special climbing wheels?"
"OK!" So Ezra clicked on Israel's lights and pressed the button for his wheels.
"Now we are ready to go!"
Off they went up the steep mountain, through the fog and around the sharp rocks.
Finally, they got to the top. Israel the rescue truck rolled forward very quietly so Princess Ezra could see where King Paul was.
Princess Ezra peered around the corner and saw that Dragon Thabiti was sleeping. Slowly and carefully she crept forward very quietly so she wouldn't wake the dragon up. King Paul was tied up next to the fire waiting to be cooked for the Dragon's dinner, so she snuck over and untied him. Without saying anything they crept back towards Israel past the sleeping dragon. Just as they were getting to Israel, King Paul stepped on a stick. A loud crack resounded and the dragon awoke.
"What are you doing with my dinner?" He roared. "I'm going to catch you both then I will have dinner and dessert."
"Quick King Paul; we've got to get to Israel!"
They ran as fast they could and jumped into Israel's cabin.
"Vrumm! Vrumm!" Said Israel and off they sped.
Dragon Thabiti was chasing after them; he was getting closer and closer.
"Oh no," said Ezra, "Dragon Thabiti is going to eat us!"
"No he's not," said Israel the rescue truck "press my special red button."
Princess Ezra pressed the special red button and whoosh off they went up into the air!
Dragon Thabiti tried to follow them but he discovered that he couldn't fly. Israel had stuck his wings together while he was sleeping!
Princess Ezra, King Paul and Israel the rescue truck flew back to castle where Queen Rachel was waiting with a nice party to welcome them home from their adventure. They all had some lovely cake and laughed about how they got away from the Dragon Thabiti. The End.
But now I can't get out of it, every darn evening, Ezra starts talking about an imagination story and finding out what happens next, she even remembers what happened last time which is good, because I don't. After a week or so, Israel caught on to this and picked out his favourite character from one story and now persistently asks to hear about "Israel the rescue truck". I've basically run out of ideas for the stories, and am asked to repeat stories that I can't remember, and there are an awful lot really gutted looks when I say no. What shall I do?
So for your amusement, of my poor story creation skills, here is a sample of a recent story:
Once upon a time there was a large castle in a beautiful land full of lots of trees, lakes and fields. In the castle lived Queen Rachel, King Paul, Princess Ezra and Israel the rescue truck.
One day Princess Ezra was playing basketball with Israel the rescue in the castle garden. While they were playing the horrible Dragon Thabiti swooped down and grabbed King Paul with his claws.
"Oh no! Oh no!" Cried Queen Rachel. "Dragon Thabiti has taken King Paul away!"
"Yum, yum, yum." Said Dragon Thabiti, "I'm going to enjoy eating this yummy King for my dinner."
"Oh no" said Queen Rachel, "I'll never see him again."
"Don't worry!" Said Israel the rescue truck, "I can rescue him! Princess Ezra jump in my cabin and we will go on an adventure to rescue King Paul from that nasty dragon."
So Princess Ezra jumped into Israel's cabin and pressed down very hard on the go pedal.
"Vrumm! Vrumm," said Israel the rescue truck, and off they went very fast.
They went over the fields of flowers, through the dark forest, around the lake of disobedient children and finally they were at the bottom of Dragon mountain.
It was very scary. There was lots of fog, sharp rocks and it was very steep to climb.
"How will we get to the top of this mountain, Israel?" Said Princess Ezra
"Hmmm, why don't you turn on my lights and press the button for my special climbing wheels?"
"OK!" So Ezra clicked on Israel's lights and pressed the button for his wheels.
"Now we are ready to go!"
Off they went up the steep mountain, through the fog and around the sharp rocks.
Finally, they got to the top. Israel the rescue truck rolled forward very quietly so Princess Ezra could see where King Paul was.
Princess Ezra peered around the corner and saw that Dragon Thabiti was sleeping. Slowly and carefully she crept forward very quietly so she wouldn't wake the dragon up. King Paul was tied up next to the fire waiting to be cooked for the Dragon's dinner, so she snuck over and untied him. Without saying anything they crept back towards Israel past the sleeping dragon. Just as they were getting to Israel, King Paul stepped on a stick. A loud crack resounded and the dragon awoke.
"What are you doing with my dinner?" He roared. "I'm going to catch you both then I will have dinner and dessert."
"Quick King Paul; we've got to get to Israel!"
They ran as fast they could and jumped into Israel's cabin.
"Vrumm! Vrumm!" Said Israel and off they sped.
Dragon Thabiti was chasing after them; he was getting closer and closer.
"Oh no," said Ezra, "Dragon Thabiti is going to eat us!"
"No he's not," said Israel the rescue truck "press my special red button."
Princess Ezra pressed the special red button and whoosh off they went up into the air!
Dragon Thabiti tried to follow them but he discovered that he couldn't fly. Israel had stuck his wings together while he was sleeping!
Princess Ezra, King Paul and Israel the rescue truck flew back to castle where Queen Rachel was waiting with a nice party to welcome them home from their adventure. They all had some lovely cake and laughed about how they got away from the Dragon Thabiti. The End.
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