It's something I've been thinking about recently, expectations, in a marriage particularly. We marrieds have all been there, I reckon. You get home from work late, you thought the children would have been fed and bathed by now, but they aren't and you have to do it; or the house is a mess despite your spouse being at home all day; or your spouse just wants to watch TV to unwind but you want to chat.
We all have expectations of ourselves, of each other. We expect faithfulness, love, affection, support, respect, forgiveness, as well as the infinite minor details of day to day living: childcare, housework, employment, date night, vacations, together time, alone time, time out. I wonder if you've ever listed them out, just to see, you know, how long your list of expectations for your spouse actually is.
At this point, you may be thinking, yeah I have expectations, and they are no bad thing, they tell me what is reasonable and what is not. Therefore, I would like to make a distinction that whilst perhaps not Oxford dictionary accurate will all the same I hope be helpful in separating out close ideas. Expectations verses standards.
Standards - things which we think are right, true and worthy to be held up to.
Expectations - things we think people ought to do, should do, essentially even must do
I think everyone should have high standards. We shouldn't compromise on what is right, true and worthy to be held on to. So much can be easily corrupted and twisted.
Big expectations though, hmm, that's more tricky. People are sinful. Yes, they are! They do things that are basically wrong, and often intentionally. I sense you trying to argue against it, but just consider your own life honestly with yourself and admit it, you've done things, whatever your moral compass may be, that either you personally or the world in general have agreed are wrong, mean, hateful, inconsiderate, selfish. Given this fact, it will necessarily be the case therefore that at some point your expectations of another person are not going to be met. Big expectations can lead to big disappointment. Further, any expectation has this horrible preponderance to lead the expecting to be less than accepting of any forthcoming failure.
What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. James 4:1-3
Expectations can end up an awful lot like demands, and when the demands are not met you get angry, and not just angry but maybe immovable on the point, accusatory. Your anger becomes rage and maybe before you know it, you're verbally pulling your spouse to bits either in your head or worse out loud.
Tearing him down rather than building him up.
"Why haven't you folded the washing? You never do it."
Accusing her as opposed to encouraging her and hoping for a better future.
"I haven't seen you pray or open your bible in months. Are you even a Christian?"
Gathering the rubble of hate over the rock of love.
"I can't believe you lied. I'll never trust you again."
Then comes the aftermath of the should have, supposed to and is meant to. He should have washed the dishes. She should have bathed the kids. He's supposed to lead family devotions. She's supposed to submit to my leadership. He's meant to tell the truth. She's meant to be faithful. And maybe all your should have's are true, but your expecting eye has had the magnifying glass hovering over the wrong area for too long. It's important to recognise that it's not your job to dissect and pick through the issues of the spouse's heart, their relationship with God, and daily walk in Christian life like a monkey searches for bugs in it's baby hair. Your marriage is a ministry of encouragement. Encouragement that has clearly examined it's own heart first, and in love seeks to support another in overcoming their own heart issues.
“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Brother, let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when you yourself fail to see the plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye. Luke 6: 41-42
Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. Galatians 6: 1
Keep your high standards, keep them, really, do. They are your anchor in a stormy wind. Be sure about right and wrong, have a clear understanding of what it means to love and hate. Know which one you wish to pursue.
But keep your standards for your understanding of the truth, not transformed into the rhetorical expectations of your married life.
Marriage, I feel, is more like a journey than anything else. Except that the destination keeps changing but your travel partner never does. It's two, very far from perfect, people coming together and saying "I'm going to stick with you in spite of your failings, in rejoice of your successes and loving you through both." So manage your expectations. Manage them, so that when they aren't met you can build up, encourage, hope and continue to love. Forgive your spouse, as you have been forgiven by your Lord Jesus through his blood shed for you on the cross. Hope in your faithful God, who always keeps His promises, to stand you firm until the day of His coming. Encourage with words of love, speaking the truth, holding accountable and lifting up. Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your mind and with all your body, and love your spouse with a love that shows you know what love really is.
This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers and sisters. 1 John 3:16
